Is Competency Possible in Parenting?

Back when I used to work for a paycheck (rather than for slobbery peanut-butter-covered face rubs), I found satisfaction in a job well done. I feel confident that, after an initial learning curve, I was pretty darn competent in most of my jobs. (That one internship in grad school where I never really understood what I was supposed to be doing aside, of course.)

Lately, it's occurred to me that working a job is super different than being a parent. No duh, right? As usual, sometimes it takes me awhile to catch on to these obvious realities. At work, I had a boss, a job description, procedures/policies to follow, and results to achieve. I could measure my progress and see how I was getting better at my job. I also received feedback from managers, customers, and co-workers that let me know if I was on the right track.

Let's take one of my first jobs, the illustrious position of Courtesy Clerk at a grocery store. My brother called me a "bag lady," but I think Courtesy Clerk sounds more professional :)  When I first started the job, I received training on the company's procedures and had a chance to practice the job in a controlled environment. Once I was working in the store, supervisors were close by to provide guidance. After just a short time, I found myself improving. I could bag groceries more quickly and efficiently. I wasn't as exhausted after spending a whole shift standing up/walking. I started to recognize when little tasks needed to be completed and did them without explicit instructions. Over time, I got to try out new positions in the store, such as Janitor and Bakery Clerk. Even in new roles, my goal still remained the same, to provide excellent customer service. (Green Bow Tie Service, we called it.) And at the end of the day, I knew if I'd done a good job or not.

Why am I reminiscing about the good ol' days of <ack!> two decades ago? Because that job was both similar to and strikingly different than motherhood.

See, in pretty much any job, there is a right and wrong way to do things. Maybe what is "right" and "wrong" is just sort of arbitrary or determined by your brand standards. If you work for Coca-Cola, I bet it would be wrong to host a company function at a Pepsi-serving facility. You can learn these rules and follow them if you want to be a good worker.

But what about motherhood? Sure, moms agree on big-ticket items like "you should give your children food and liquid," but beyond that, it's impossible to reach consensus about the right/wrong way to do it. Is formula evil, or is it a modern miracle? Should I let my kids have pouches, or should they be eating regular table foods right from the start? What about organic? GMOs? Is the meat I feed them ethically-sourced? Or should we be going full-on vegan? Is juice a good choice to keep kids hydrated, or are milk and water the only acceptable beverages?

Maybe a few generations ago, there wasn't so much debate on these topics. Moms just did what their mothers before them had done, or they followed along with the norms of their communities. The information age is a stressful time to be raising children.

My rambling point is, compared to the relative certainty I had about being a good employee, I find it nearly impossible to know how I'm doing as a mom. I have moments where I feel like, "oh yeah, I got this!" But there's no one here looking over my shoulder all the time to tell me if I'm doing things "right." And even if there was, I'd probably want to Google it to verify if my motherhood supervisor was really up to date on all the latest research. I don't have a lot of policies or procedures to follow. I won't know for a long time if my mothering work is really effective. I mean, how many people do you know who seem to be totally competent and kind parents but then their kids wind up making some rather unhealthy/undesirable life choices as they get older?

In my less angst-ridden moments, I try to remind myself of some general principles I want my kids to learn like, "be kind to others" and "think before you act." And I want to be sure I'm showing them lots of love along the way. But then I start to spin my wheels when I think about all the areas of their life I can't control. They could be the victim of a crime, or hurt in an accident, or contract a serious illness. What then? How can I reconcile my instinctual desire to protect them with the reality of life here on Earth?

Motherhood is a tough job.