Drop off had been ok - sure, some tears, some grabbing at my shirt sleeves, but it was over quickly. Pickup, however, was getting progressively worse. They would both see me coming in the room and start up with all sorts of antics - climbing the cubby wall, insisting on taking home their spare clothes, refusing to pick up their belongings, and throwing themselves on the floor to have a screaming fit. Then we'd move outside to the courtyard where they would continue to cry and flail while berating me for their unacceptable snack choices.
Things were getting out of hand.
In my opinion, they were showing me that school was emotionally exhausting. Once they saw me, their safe space, their ability to hold it together melted and they came unglued. I was starting to worry that we'd made the wrong choice to enroll them in preschool at all. But then I considered that two mornings a week is pretty low-key compared to five full days of kindergarten. How would they ever survive in kindergarten if they couldn't hack it in preschool??
I contacted the school to ask for advice. Unfortunately, the advice wasn't very useful. The director, bless her heart, said that if a child is upset and crying after school, I should just pick him up and walk to the parking lot. I did my best to hold my eyeballs still in their sockets instead of giving her a HARD CORE EYE ROLL in response. "Oh yes, your suggestion would be so helpful except for the issue that I am dealing with two screaming children who weigh about 30 pounds each! And, may I add, they prefer to roll on the ground instead of sit in their stroller. Any other bright ideas??"
What I did gather from this meeting was the teacher's expectation: at the end of the day, all students should pick up their own backpacks from their cubbies and walk out the classroom door on their own two feet.
I considered this expectation. I found it to be reasonable for a three year old. And yet, I also knew it would be hard. What is a parent to do?
I'll tell you what not to do: hope your kid just gets it. That approach didn't work. Well, it did for Gibson, but Gus totally lost it and was a hysterical mess the first time I didn't come into the classroom to carry him out. He was so distraught that I almost marched right over to the school office to dis-enroll him. Then I remembered that you have to give a month's notice that you're leaving to get a tuition refund. So I decided to come up with another plan.
Plan #2: practice, talking, and Daniel Tiger
Daniel Tiger says, "If something seems hard to do, try it a little bit at a time." So, I told Gus what his teacher wanted him to do and broke the task into small steps.
- Go to your cubby
- Pick up your backpack and other things
- Walk out the door
Then, we practiced. We have a shelf in our playroom that looks like their cubbies. I put his backpack in a slot, then had a stuffed animal teacher tell him that school was over. I waited right outside the playroom door for him to get his bag and come to me. When he did it, we celebrated. Then we practiced again and again. (Teaching responsibility and mastery)
Finally, the night before they next day of school, I asked him if he could tell me why it was so hard for him to carry his things. He told me that he had too much stuff - he could not carry his backpack AND his jacket. It was overwhelming.
The lightbulb moment!
"I can help you!" I replied joyfully. "I can carry your jacket! In fact, if you have a jacket, I can take it back to the van when I drop you off so you won't have to worry about it at the end of the day. I'm so glad you told me what was hard for you." I feel like one of those bloggers who makes a huge deal out of mundane moments, but people, it really was a breakthrough. He felt like he literally had a burden that was too heavy for him to bear alone. He was able to explain his problem to someone who could help. I had the capacity to assist, and I was happy to do it.
Isn't that what we all need sometimes? Just another person to come alongside us and help carry a little bit of the weight? He didn't ask me to haul his backpack or pick him up - he just needed to reduce his load.
(Now as an aside, if he wasn't such a Californian who needed a jacket to be outside for five minutes when it's in the low 60s...)
After all our practicing and talking, the next day after school Gus was the first kid out the door - with his backpack in hand. He announced proudly, "Me walk out door by myself!" In that moment, I knew he was building his self confidence by doing hard things. I was proud of both of us, me for sticking with it and giving him tools to be successful, and him for using those tools to overcome a challenge.
As I write this, the kids are at school. I have to pick them up soon. Even if he has a hard time today, I am choosing to remember this small victory from last week. And we'll remind ourselves, like Daniel Tiger says, "Keep trying - you'll get better."
