Rabbit Trails of Parenting

We've been in our new state for more than a month now, and I've decided it's time to get a handle on life. They say that when you move to a new place, you're supposed to go through a "honeymoon" period. Hmm, I guess I was pretty excited about the palm trees and sunsets the first few days. But once DF left town, we crashed into crisis/frustration/depression mode rather quickly. Last week, Auntie Hipster came to visit and buoyed all our spirits! So now I'm ready to recommit to being a good mom and move out of survival mode.

Goal #1: Break the all-day-and-night pacifier habit. 

Seriously, it's bad. We've already struggled with this issue before, but with the move, wow, things really got out of hand. When we were driving all day, it was easy to pop in a pacifier to keep them content in the back seat. But once we arrived to our new home, well, the whining just seemed to increase. Everything was new, and I could tell they felt unsettled. So I got more and more lax about restricting pacifier usage. Since DF's been gone, I admit that I haven't been coping as well I could be and just didn't feel like listening to fussing. It got to the point that as soon as a meal was over, they're saying "fa-fye, fa-fye" (that means pacifier). Their speech is nearly incomprehensible with a blob of silicone in their mouths, and I've decided it's time I enforce some limits around here. Also, I feel the invisible peer pressure of none of the other kids at the park walking around with pacis...Californians!

Anyway, that's a long backstory to explain why I was Googling "pacifier weaning methods" recently. The internet helpfully informed me that I never should have let my kids use a pacifier to begin with, or if I did I certainly should have weaned them off it by 6 months. Um yeah, thanks internet.

Then before I knew it, I'm reading articles about the brain damage I'm inflicting by letting them watch TV. And then I find out people think the way I'm feeding them is all wrong. And after that there's another rabbit trail or two. Soon, I'm overwhelmed and feeling like a failure as a mother.

But wait, I tell myself. The internet doesn't know everything. Parents have to make the best decisions with the resources they have available to them. Right now,  I'm trying to help my kids (and myself) adjust to a new environment. Maybe I'll make some trade-offs, like more TV time than we used to have, and eating more chicken nuggets, but we also play outside more too since the weather is nicer here. I mean, I am literally spending all day, every day with them right now. Mama's gotta stay sane somehow.

For now, operation Gently Limit Pacifier Usage is underway. It's a bit too early to report on its outcome. I'll let you know how it goes, and in the meantime, I'll try not to Google too many parenting-related questions.

Modern Living with Toddlers

I'm really digging living in a modern apartment building. This complex was built in 2006, which is like a full half-century later than our previous residence's birthdate. I mean, I'm not knocking our old house in Memphis. For a place built in the 50s, it was pretty good. It was full of charm and character, like the built in telephone nook in the hallway and the wonky wiring. Take the kitchen, for instance. There were a total of 4 outlets in the whole kitchen. I mean, like plugs. So two outlets with two plugs each. And the washing machine was plugged in to one of them, so that left 3 available for general use (including the microwave).

Meanwhile, I just counted the plugs in my new kitchen and there are 14 plugs. Whoa! 14, just in the kitchen! And the microwave is mounted above the stove so it isn't even using up a counter top plug. It feels so luxurious! Right now I have a phone charger, coffee pot, and toaster plugged in. There's still space to power up all my other kitchen appliances if my heart desired! (Note: I am not confident the fuse box could handle all that excitement.) I've even gotten into using the "delay brew" feature on my coffee pot, since I can prep it the night before and leave it plugged in. As I'm typing this, I realize there's no reason I could not have done this in Memphis, too...oh well, I shall enjoy it now ;)

At any rate, access to electricity is a bonus of living in a huge apartment complex. One of the downsides, I'm finding, is that it's such a production to leave the apartment, particularly when it's just me and the boys. Here's how a trip to the store looks.

Goal: get two toddlers, one mother, and one wagon from a 3rd floor apartment into the van parked in the garage on level P3. Go to store. Buy groceries. Return to apartment with all humans + groceries intact.

First, we get ourselves and our stuff ready to go, which is really a separate subject. To reach the garage, we have to walk down the hall and around the corner to the elevator. There are I think 4 apartments between us and the elevator (on each side of the hall). We're usually taking the wagon with us, so that means the boys have to fight over who is going to pull it, then flop down in the middle of the hall and refuse to walk regardless of if they got their way or not. Also they stop at every door to point at the doorbell and say "ding dong," and they also need to point out all the fire extinguishers/fire hose hook ups by saying "wee-ooh" like a fire truck. Oh, and lately Gibson has insisted on taking his big, fuzzy blankie everywhere we go, so that's in the wagon as well. Once we get to the elevator, we've got to try and only push the down arrow button.

When the elevator arrives, we have to get all 3 people + a big wagon on board. This is more difficult when there are other passengers. Then the kids have to try and push all the buttons, including the alarm. Once we finally get down to the parking garage, someone is usually too captivated by buttons to exit the elevator, but the other one bolts out the door. So I'm standing there blocking the door from closing, grabbing one kid while hollering at the other to stay close to me.

We make our way over to the van, possibly fighting about the wagon again. I buckle them in to their car seats as quick as I can, but I have to keep the other kid from running around the semi-busy garage. I try not to let kid #2 wait in the car while #1 is getting buckled bc inevitably they crawl up to the driver's seat and push all the buttons/pull all the levers while chirping, "drive! drive!" and #1 gets jealous and then *really* won't let me fasten his buckle.

Ok, so now we're all in the car and can proceed to the grocery store. That part is relatively similar to Memphis, I'd say. I still use our double stroller in the store bc they have not quite shown themselves mature enough to handle riding in a cart together if they aren't both buckled in...but they are becoming more and more resistant to the stroller, so I might need to explore other options soon.

Once we have all our groceries and load back up in the car, we head home. Now, we have to reverse the process to get back upstairs from the parking garage, except at this point the wagon is half-full of food that the boys want to take out and inspect. I try to get both of them to squeeze into the remaining space. Usually at least one of them hops out while we approach the elevator so he can push the buttons.

As we get close to our apartment, they remember our neighbor around the corner who has a decorative fountain (no water) with glass pebbles in front of their door. Why, oh why, must you have such an enticing display, dear neighbor? The boys take off squealing and running around the corner while I say, "Boys! Only look at the rocks, no touching! Just say hi to the rocks!" They don't heed my directions, but rather gleefully toss handfuls of pebbles across the hallway. I let them have their moment while I drag the wagon into our apartment, then I go and grab them and return the rocks. They both insist on ding-donging our doorbell before coming inside.

Whew! After all that, it's time for a rest, I'd say!

3 Days Down

And then there was that time when the twins were two and we moved across the country and like two weeks later, DF had to leave town for a month and a half...

At least, that how I assume this story will be told decades from now.

Hurricane Harvey, I'm sure you've heard, left a giant swath of destruction in its wake. The cleanup and recovery efforts required will be massive. DF works for the federal government, and he's part of a team of employees who have volunteered to be deployed to assist in these situations. Well, last week he got word to stand by for orders. He flew out over the weekend to a central assembly area where he's meeting up with his team to be sent out to help. 

We aren't sure exactly when he'll be back. His presence was requested for "up to 45 days." I don't know if that means they'll need him for the full amount of time, or he'll be back sooner, or they might ask if he can stay longer. For now, I'm just going to assume it's approximately 6 weeks. And I can't help but recall that's the same amount of time the boys were in the NICU. 

On the one hand, I'm really proud of him for his dedication to serving his country, which started during his military days and continues on in his civilian career. He's calm and level headed in times of crisis, and he's a strategic thinker. He'll be a great asset to his team!

On the other hand, I wish this storm hadn't been so horrible and affected so many people. I wish DF didn't have to go at all. And I really wish this wasn't all happening right after we relocated to a new place where we hardly know anyone.

So far, the boys and I have survived three days of being alone together. I know that I'm not a "single parent." I'm grateful not to have the added pressure of financially providing for my family. But the longest I've ever had to be the solo parent is one week, and that was back in Memphis where we had lots of friends to visit and activities to occupy our time. It's a whole new ballgame here.

<As I write this, I'm intermittently hopping up to comfort Gus and convince him to go to sleep. He's had a rough time sleeping lately. Maybe it's because Daddy is gone...?>

Here's what we have been up to:

Day 1: Sunday

• DF departed at an ungodly hour
• The kids and I attended a church that we have visited before. I didn't have it in me to try a Sunday School class by myself, so I just went to the service. Then during coffee hour (outside, 90 degrees at 10 am) I sat under a tree and tried to enjoy a few peaceful moments to myself (the nearby freeway traffic notwithstanding).
• While the boys napped, I read a parenting article that basically said, "I like being needed as a mom because my kids need ME and only ME and that makes me feel special." I found this strangely encouraging and did my best to savor my time with my children for the rest of the day, reminding myself that they'll never be this young again.
• Got brave and walked with the boys to Whole Foods, just a couple blocks away. It was not a total disaster, but also could've been better. I made mental notes for next time as I stuffed cookies in their mouths to keep them from hopping out of the wagon on the walk home. Later realized I forgot to check out their whole bean coffee selection, which had been one of my main goals of the trip. 

Day 2: Monday

• Let's just call this, the day when reality hit and none of us coped very well. 
• Got out of the house briefly to visit the park across the street but we were all overheating by 9:30am
• Made a grocery store run in the afternoon
• Otherwise, the kids were alternating between watching videos, fighting with each other, eating snacks, and getting in to everything that is a no-no. 
• I read them stories, played pretend games, intervened in fights, ignored fights, tried but failed not to yell at them, ate too much junk food, and generally wished the day was over. 
• Bath time went better than usual - the end of bath tends to elicit much wailing and gnashing of teeth.

Day 3: Tuesday

• I decided to make more of an effort today. They aren't going to MDO anymore, so I should probably try to stimulate their brains a bit...
• Since the heat wave finally seems to have lifted, I thought maybe we'd hang out at a different park and I'd pack a picnic lunch. Well, I asked the boys and they said they didn't want to go to the park ("no!"), so then I decided not to try too hard and instead just took them to the neighborhood park. They lasted nearly an hour! I brought their dump trucks and toy dustpans so they could play with the bark chips. That was a hit. 
• I tried to do a craft project I heard about, making "instruments" out of plastic containers and household items. I used dry rice, lentils, and pasta. Lately the kids won't eat any of these items cooked, but apparently in their raw form, they are desirable snacks. So that led to some screaming when I wouldn't let them choke themselves on the craft. But, they did still sort of have fun making noise.
• We made grandparents' day cards, although Gibson did most of the coloring. Gus was more into hoarding all the crayons.
• Ran errands including a stop at Walgreens that for some reason had no regular sized carts for kids to ride in! :-O I managed to keep them from destroying the store and feel that I deserve several pats on the back for that! I grabbed two containers of dental floss and put them both in charge of holding one :)
• Went to Chick-Fil-A for dinner. Technically, we played in the play area then picked up food from the drive through on our way home because the inside line was just too long for us to wait.

Ok, that's the log so far. Obviously, I have no one to talk to about the minutiae of my daily life, so thank you all for reading along, ha ha. I'll try to make some more California observations next time.

Earbuds and Not Being an Anomaly

Part I
Why does everyone in Pasadena walk around with earbuds in their ears? That's my latest question about life here. Technically, it's not everyone, but the proportion is much higher than in Memphis. I have a few hypotheses.

• I live by a train station, so the people I see walking around are commuters listening to music/podcasts
• People are on their way to or from working out so they are rocking out to their warm up/cool down music
• They have iPhones and they want to be able to take calls easily
• No one wants to talk to anyone else

I mean seriously, one of our movers had his earbuds in the whole time he was unloading our stuff. That didn't seem very friendly. But also, he didn't really seem to speak English, so maybe he was wearing them as a way to fend off my attempts at conversation.

Part IIOn a totally different subject, so far it's been interesting living in a place where many residents are also transplants. I've come across a handful of native Californians, but the majority of people I've met are originally from somewhere else. So when I say that I just moved from Tennessee, I get responses like, "Oh, I grew up in Virginia," or "My aunt lives in Chattanooga," or, "We moved here from Boston 10 years ago," etc.

No one yet has gaped at me and said, "MEMPHIS??!! Why did you guys (y'all) move HERE??!!" That's the reaction I often got about our last move, except it was SEATTLE??!! Most people just ask if it was work that brought us here, and they don't seem shocked at all about it.

My point is, Los Angeles metro is a place where lots of people are moving all the time, for all sorts of reasons. Memphis, by contrast, has a smaller in-migration effect going on. Sure, people still move there, but it doesn't have the pulling power of Southern California. I guess we're more "normal" here with our nomadic lifestyle, ha ha.

SoCal: An Introduction

DF, Gus, Gibson and I survived our epic cross-country road trip from Tennessee to California! Wow, that was a long drive - just over 2,000 miles. We arrived last Thursday afternoon.

As is my predilection, I'm analytically observing my new environment and trying to get a feel for the place. So far, I'd say it's quite different than Memphis! Here are some things I've noticed.

Urban living
We're in a big (300+ units) apartment complex in downtown Pasadena. Within a 5-10 minute walk, I can visit countless restaurants, coffee shops, bars, grocery stores, gas station, a park, retail stores, and office buildings. Or, I could catch the light rail train right at our building to go lots of other places in the metro area.

In Memphis, we lived in a single family house on a quiet side street of a residential neighborhood. There was a church 2 blocks over. The closest commercial structure was a gas station about half a mile away. There was a bus line on a nearby major street, though I never did ride it...

I've taken the boys out for a couple walks around the new neighborhood in their wagon. They seem mesmerized by all the people and activity! Actually, Gibson gets a little overwhelmed. As we approached the elevator this morning, he looked nervous and asked, "people?" Yes buddy, we're going to see lots of people out and about!

Diversity
I can't help but notice how many Asian people are in this neighborhood! When we moved from Seattle to Memphis, it was weird to not see Asian people very often. I know there are some people of Asian heritage in the mid-South, but the percentage is way lower than in the greater Seattle area. Well apparently, lots of Asian people live and/or visit Pasadena because I keep seeing them everywhere. I'm trying not to do a double take all the time but I keep thinking I'm in Memphis and saying, "Wow!" in my head.

There are also all sorts of different people here - younger, older, Hispanic/Latinx, African-American, White, homeless, tattooed, pierced, sharply dressed, speaking languages I don't recognize, with dogs in tow, pushing strollers, in a hurry, staring at their phones, ambling with friends, etc. I'm loving it!

Food
Having little kids who don't enjoy sitting still, we're not exactly in a position to explore new restaurants as easily as when we moved to Memphis (where we ate BBQ like 9 times in the first 13 days or something like that!) We have managed to try El Pollo Loco, which I'd describe as fancy fast Mexican food, kind of like Chipotle with more choices. The grownups thought it was tasty! The boys liked dumping cups of water all over the place.

There's a wood-fired pizza restaurant right next to our apartment. It smells delicious. They don't do carry out, though, so we'll have to brave it with the kids sometime when they've settled in to CA life.

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I have tons more thoughts about the move, but they're still tumbling around in my brain at the moment. I'll attempt to distill them in future posts. For now, I'll say that moving is stressful and living in a huge apartment complex will take some adjusting. I'm doing my best to be resilient in the face of challenges. I think that will get easier when the movers deliver our belongings on Wednesday and I'm no longer sleeping on a leaky air mattress...

Cue the Nostalgia

We're preparing to depart from Memphis in just about 2 weeks! Predictably, I'm getting all sentimental about what we'll leave behind...

Sounds
Memphis, the home of the blues. The birthplace of rock 'n' roll. The city's got a great vibe!

• WEVL, our local volunteer radio station. They place a huge variety of music, from bluegrass to swing to trippy electronica. I especially like their old-timey gospel music show on Sunday AM.
• The music at church (not just the choir, lol) - so many talented musicians play there!
• Cicadas, nature's buzzing harmonicas
• Thunderstorms, although my kids are starting to be scared of thunder so perhaps that's not a super sad one to bid farewell

Sights
To be honest, I've had to adjust my field of vision living here - I've never spent so long in a place that's so flat! When we first came here and I'd be driving on a overpass, I'd look around to see the mountains. But there are none. It's different, but I got used to it eventually. Here are some views I'll miss:

• The mighty Mississippi River flowing under wide bridges
• Crepe myrtle trees blooming for months on end
• The huge leafy trees in my neighborhood, especially as they change colors in the fall

Tastes
Everything. All the food. Seriously, Southern cuisine is the best ever! I hope that some Southern transplants to CA have restaurants where I can fill my cravings for turnip greens, smoked meats, fried okra, banana pudding, etc etc etc

Smells
The scents of tasty food fill our neighborhood, such as:

• The smoke from Corkys BBQ as you drive down Poplar. Smoked meat should be one of Memphis's official scents :)
• The aroma of Gibson's Donuts wafting over to the Kroger parking lot 

Touch?
I'm not sure I have anything specific for this last sense that I'll actually miss. I'm just fine with leaving behind the sticky summers, where you feel the sweat pool on your skin after a few minutes outside...

Oh, I know I'll miss the feeling of hugging our Memphis friends! Does that count?

"You'll Just Know"

I was chatting with a friend who's expecting her first child. I told her one of the most confusing parts of being a parent is that things are always changing. And, when you ask people for advice about how to deal with these changes, they say, "Oh, you'll just know!"

Guess what? You won't. Not always.

Ok, perhaps there are some parents out there who used to work in daycares, or had a bunch of younger siblings/cousins, or babysat all the time, or have infant ESP. Maybe those people intuitively know what their babies need. But this mom? I was (am) flying by the seat of my pants most of the time.

(Also, I think some of the "you'll just know" crowd are ladies who are now grandmothers and who've forgotten what daily life with little ones is really like...)

Take sleeping, for instance. Since a newborn sleeps a lot, it's important to know what works best for your baby. Let me emphasize the extent to which I DID NOT KNOW what I was doing on the sleep front. Why? A) I was sleep deprived myself. B) There were two babies. C) They kept changing what they wanted. D) There is no consensus in the "sleep expert" community. E) Every baby is different.

So what did we do? We experimented. We tried various sleep locations - swing, bouncer, pack-n-play, crib. We swaddled in blankets. We swaddled in velcro sleep sacks. We bought blackout curtains and a white noise machine for the nursery. We used different types of pacifiers. We rocked them to sleep. We let them cry (a little). We drove them around in the van.

Eventually, through trial and error, we found some methods to get our kids to sleep that were effective. Yay! But then we had to deal with nap transitions. That's another area where people love to tell you, "you'll just know when it's time." Uh, negatory, good buddy! Here's my thought process.

Hmm, Gus took about 20 minutes to fall asleep. That's a long time. I wonder if I need to move his nap back a bit? Meanwhile, Gibson fell right to sleep, but he woke up 30 minutes before his brother. So let's try pushing nap time a little later to see if we can get them to sync up. But I need them to be awake for at least 3 hours between naps, and then we're running into dinner time...hmm...

My powers of observation informed me there was a problem brewing, but my motherly intuition didn't immediately tell what to do. Instead, I formed a hypothesis about a solution which required further field testing. Ultimately, I suppose I learned that you can't really control your kids, even when they are infants. And although the craziness of multiple nap schedules makes you want to pull your hair out when you're going through it, that phase of life doesn't really last too long.

How did I arrive at that conclusion? I just know :)