The Emotions of Motherhood

As a kid, I was rather dramatic, letting my feelings rule. With maturity comes emotional control, or so I thought until I found out I was pregnant. I used to consider myself a fairly rational person, but the last year has been an emotional roller coaster. Hormones are likely responsible for some of it. I'm starting to think that becoming a parent changes your brain chemistry or something.

I've yet to see the movie Inside Out - perhaps it would help give me some personal insight! Until then, I'll just catalog here what I've been feeling.

Fear/Anxiety: Admittedly, I was a bit of a worrier pre-motherhood. I thought I was getting better thanks to DF's calming influence, but having kids just opened the floodgates of dread. I spent most of the pregnancy worrying that something would go wrong. Then when it did, I feared the worst. When we brought the babies home from the hospital, I don't think I slept for two days out of anxiety. It's gotten better now, but I can still slip into a panic over the most minor things. For example, the other day Baby B had some red scratchy marks on his face, and I was instantly convinced he had acquired a deadly disease. Meanwhile, DF posited that Baby had simply scratched himself. After my Google searches turned up no diagnosis, I eventually conceded it was just a scratch as the redness faded in a few hours. Sorry kids, your hypochondriac mother is probably going to drag you to the doctor a lot!

Guilt: So. Much. Guilt. I second guess every decision. Should we be rocking them to sleep, or letting them cry for a bit? If you ask the internet, either option will ruin your child forever, so no matter what we do, I feel guilty. Also, I'm not producing enough milk to feed them, so they drink some formula. More guilt. And I'm not enjoying every moment/savoring every day/making memories that will last a lifetime. For goodness sake, we hardly ever leave the house. We thought about taking them trick-or-treating to a couple houses in the neighborhood but it seemed like too much work. This means we don't have any pictures of them out having fun on their first Halloween. Guilt guilt guilt.

Grief: The first time I tried to cut Baby A's fingernails, I accidentally cut the tip of his finger and drew blood. He wailed! I felt horrible.

Disgust: Dirty diapers. Maybe a little less disgust because they are my own kids, but ewwww, still gross.

Annoyance: Why do babies refuse to burp sometimes? They are squawking in discomfort, but they won't let their burp out. It's so annoying!

Amazement: Babies are pretty fun. It's intriguing to watch them discover the world. Who knew one's hands could be so captivating?

Joy: Lest you think parenthood is completely horrendous, lately there have been some glimmers of happiness. The babies have started smiling on purpose, not just gas-induced smiles. They also sort of laugh and make other vocal noises like "oohh, aaahh." It's amazing what a baby smile can do for the soul.

Love: You know those people who say, "I fell in love with my child the moment I saw him/her?" I have to admit that I don't understand that experience. When I saw the babies for the first time, I was just relieved they were breathing. During the 6-week pilgrimage to/from the NICU, I felt pretty protective of them, like I didn't want anyone to hurt them. But at the same time, they didn't really feel like my kids. It was like they lived at the hospital, the nurses were in charge of them, and I was supposed to go and say hi to them once a day. Now that they've been home for a few months, our bond is growing. If I go somewhere without them, I find myself thinking about them and picturing them in my head. They are becoming the center of my world; I can tell them "I love you" now and really mean it :)

So that's an unvarnished look at becoming a mom. If you're thinking about having kids, all I can say is brace yourself!

File under: NaBloPoMo Day 3